Anxious to Please God

I wouldn't fault anyone who struggled with anxiety after looking at bills they couldn't pay, or getting  bad news from their doctor, or finding out their spouse wanted out of the marriage. I would even understand if a person felt anxious after a car accident or before having their teeth cleaned or boarding a plane.

The first time I recall feeling anxious I was 30ish. It was Christmastime and I had sewn and stuffed three nativity scenes from printed fabric I found at Wal-Mart. I really hadn't considered who I would give them to before I began the project, except for the one for us. I smiled as I arranged each fold-out stable with its respective figures in front of it. To my amzement, the Marys, Josephs, the nine wise men and all the animals stood upright on their cardboard bottoms.

In the glow of success I began to ponder who might receive the two "extras" I had made. I had several close friends with young children like mine. Should I choose two of them? Which two? I had plenty of nieces and nephews who would be getting gifts from us. Would two of them enjoy having one of the nativities? No two of them really stood out to me. The possibilities swirled through my mind like water around an open drain, bringing total confusion. I tried to gain clarity by asking myself what I thought was a good question: Who would God want me to give them to? 

It was at that moment that I first experienced anxiety. Not "valid" anxiety, but the pointless, stupid kind that I feel completely ashamed to confess. I would say it was over nothing, but it wasn't over nothing. Sadly, it was about needing desperately to please God.

I had to find the one "right answer" that He would find acceptable. Maybe God would want me to give all three of them away to needy families! Would it be selfish to keep one for my own kids? Making God happy was at stake. Keeping Him smiling down on me was on the line. I wasn't sure what the consequences might be if I failed, but I was in crazy, panic mode.

This happened 25 years ago, but I remember like it was yesterday. I was a Christian. I was leading a women's Bible study. I believed Jesus had died for my sins. But I had no clue how to bring the truth of the gospel into my relationship with God.        

Now I'm learning.